I am not a walking ATM (part 1)

With permission from Anthony, the owner of Monaga’s blog (see my links), I am reposting a blog entry that he wrote about a common occurrence with foreign gay men in Santo Domingo. It is the first of a series of blog entries that I plan to write. Mainly, they deal with subject that affects a lot of gay men seeking companionship or love in relatively poorer countries – Whether that adoring man is actually in love with me or with my ATM?

Here is Anthony’s view:

Naive or Stupid?
Suppose you are someone past the age of going out clubbing regularly. You have heard about the Dominican Republic, and wanted to visit. But, you are not the type of person to “pay” for sex in the conventional way. You used to have a lover (whose schooling you paid for), go to the gym regularly and generally are well put together.

You book your trip and visit Santo Domingo. You go out to the bars and clubs and are overwhelmed. Too many people are begging and pestering you and quite frankly you find the whole thing unseemly. Just as you are writing an email to tell friends that though the men in Santo Domingo are beautiful, you are put off by the whole “pay” thing.

Through some acquaintances you are introduced to a young man that you find attractive. He is not only very handsome, but has a very nice personality. Over the next several days you get to know each other better. He tells you very personal things about himself, and listen as you reveal some intimate details about your life.

You go back home and you and he conduct a very expensive long-distance telephone relationship. You are convinced that this young man is genuine. You believe that he couldn’t lie, even if he tried. He tells you about his family situation and you can hear him crying softly through the phone. Slowly, you begin to think that this young man really cares for you.

Now, back in the real world you are by nature a pessimist. Your bullshit detector is always set on high, and you pride yourself with being able to spot someone quickly who is trying to take advantage of you. You are the master of telling everyone what they should be doing in their own lives, quick to give advice if you think a friend is being naive and acting irrationally.

Then you begin to send money to your new “friend.” And, you won’t tell people that actual amount, because you know how ridiculous it is. You tell everyone that you are just want to help him get his life together, but he doesn’t work, nor go to school, and he thinks you have so much money he thinks it is a waste of time anyway. I mean, one day he will be living in the States, right?

While you are thinking this young man is just great and maybe someone you can spend the rest of your life with, things begin to happen that you choose to ignore. You find out his nickname for you is “Banco Popular.” He is now fixated on “things” he needs. In the beginning you are happy to send him money. I mean, you can afford it. So what if he is only in his late teens, you are now about to hit 50. He cares for you and you know it. He has told you things that he has never told anyone. You can see he cares for you in his eyes, the way he caresses you, the way he softly cries when he is asking for money over the phone.

The friends you tell about your new love are supportive. They know you are lonely and feel that if makes you happy, well… They just want to know why do you have to send him so much money. Then as the trips progress, you start noticing changes in his behavior. He has become much more materialistic. Before when you brought gifts he was glad to get them. Now, he looks at the bottom of the Jordan’s and tell you that these are from last year and he can’t wear them. You were at Target at bought some cologne, but you made the mistake of getting him some Perry Ellis. When he comes over with his friends so that he can impress them with all the gifts “Banco Popular” has given him, they laugh when you walk out the room. None of them had ever heard of Perry Ellis. I mean, nobody raps about him in hip-hop.

Something happens, though very slowly. You know deep in your soul that something isn’t right, but you don’t want to admit it to yourself. You start to think about all that you had planned for him. How you were going to make his life better. But, you also notice how he is now starting to resent you, because you have placed conditions on the money you send. Though he doesn’t like them, he agrees to whatever you want because he wants to get all the money “Banco Popular” can send and bring to him.

You have all this money and success, but you finally come to the realization that it CAN’T buy you love and happiness. You have been using your money as a sword over his head to do whatever you wanted him to do. You thought somehow your money would make him “want” to be with you.

Then it happens, you find out you have been taken advantage of. Now, you are angry. Why didn’t anyone say anything to you. Well, they did, remember? The problem was you didn’t want to hear it.

The lesson has been learned (right???). It makes no difference how much money you have, you can’t make anyone love you. But, you damn sure can buy some great sex!

Slow curtain, the end…